


The Bad Days

by dijon



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-08-11 00:58:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20144923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dijon/pseuds/dijon
Summary: Sometimes Dan has bad days.Phil knows how to deal with those, except when a bad day takes an unexpected turn.





	1. Chapter 1

With headphones in and his favourite true crime podcast on, Phil ties up his laces and zips his raincoat all the way up. It's lightly raining and slightly chilly, but his hood will keep him hidden from viewers while he runs, so he doesn't mind. 

With one last listen to the silence of their flat, he opens the door and slips out as quietly as possible. He's properly geared up for a rainy run, a sight not many would probably believe. The thought makes him laugh to himself as he straps his phone to the band on his arm. 

Wouldn't their viewers be shocked to know Phil had taken up a love for running. It clears his head in a way that nothing else can. Well, maybe it wasn't the only thing, but running didn't have to involve Dan. He could focus on his breathing, the words of a podcast and just let his mind go. Get rid of the stress and worry, if only for a little while. 

He knew everything in his head was valid. The worrying and panic that he felt all too often were not only real, but they were manageable. 

But everything he felt inside of his head seemed to pale in comparison to what was going on in Dan's.

He didn't know Dan's thoughts exactly, but he knew they were extreme and angry and sad. He knew they made Dan into a different person some days and that person was scary. They were a blank, empty, shell that was only ever fueled by self-hatred and pain. He would never tell Dan, but he hated that person. Phil was understanding and quiet and patient with them, but he had been bit by their venom too many times to trust them anymore. 

It wasn't Dan. 

It was the sick part of him, locked deep inside, that would sometimes escape. The past five years of therapy and medication had been a hard journey for both of them, but he knew it was harder for Dan. Phil's own days of worry and panic seemed so minuscule when he compared them. 

During one of his own bad days, he admitted that to Dan. He was so scared Dan was planning to leave him. He had been out all day, without his phone, trying to clear his head and Phil was left at home spinning himself into a spiral of worry. 

What was he doing? Who was he with? How could he be out all day without food or drink, or even the restroom? What if he was hurt or lost and couldn't get home? What if he didn't come back?

When Dan finally got back to their flat late that night, Phil didn't hear him. He had walked in on Phil sobbing on the floor of their bedroom with Dan's suitcase open and half packed. His mind had lead him to believe Dan was cheating and his depression was just an excuse to let him out of the house for extended periods of time. 

All Phil remembers is being shaken back to reality by Dan, a terrified expression on his face. They both broke down crying that night, Phil admitting his anxiety was more extreme than he had ever told anyone, but he didn't want to worry Dan with his problems because he felt they didn't matter when Dan was clearly dealing with so much. 

Later that month, Phil had started to see a therapist as well. They also did therapy together on occasion. Phil felt more under control than he ever had in his life, and he would say the same for Dan. They were happy and of course there were bad days, but the good more than outweighed them. 

Running was something they both decided to use as part of their therapy, but Phil preferred to run in the morning and Dan preferred later at night. It was a good excuse for them to do something separate and be in their own heads for a while.

As Phil made his way out of the elevator and through the front doors, he pulled his hood onto his head and rounded the corner. His mind was focused on the stories of his podcast and he finished his run with decent time, stopping into a nearby coffee shop to grab breakfast before heading home. 

Shaking off his damp clothing in the entrance, he quietly slid into their bedroom to grab dry items for after his shower. 

As he spun around to leave, he jumped a mile and screamed. 

"Dan! What the hell, you scared me. You could have told me you were awake instead of just sitting there like a creep!" Phil held a hand to his chest. 

Dan's eyes flicked up to Phil's briefly and mumbled an apology while slinking back down under the covers. 

Weird, Phil thought. Dan usually loved when he was able to make Phil jump. Maybe it won't be a good day, today. Phil leaves the room without another word. 

He showers and eats his breakfast in the lounge, browsing through his phone. He re-heats Dan's coffee, fills a glass of water and grabs the bag with Dan's muffin before heading downstairs. If nothing else, he can probably convince Dan to at least eat and drink a bit of something today. 

The room is still silent and just as dark as it was over an hour ago, so Phil assumes Dan is sleeping. He creeps over to Dan's bedside table and moves a couple of books to the floor and replaces them with the drinks and muffin. 

"Jesus, I don't need anything Phil. Just leave," Dan mutters quietly from his blanket cocoon without rolling over. 

It makes Phil jump and then frown, Dan's voice is angry. He usually will at least say thank you and the worst he's received lately is complete silence. It's been a while since Dan's been dismissive or rude. He hears the venom in his words and worries that today won't just be a quiet day in bed, but something worse. 

Phil knows better than to say anything, in fear of poking the beast. He takes the muffin and coffee back out of the room with him, but leaves the water, hoping Dan will drink something. He makes a mental note of how high he filled the glass for when he checks in later. 

Because he will check in later. It's something that Dan had asked him to do when his mind was clear. No matter the silence Phil received, he says he always appreciates being checked on, it makes him feel safer in his head.

So without fail, Phil will always check in on the bad days.


	2. Chapter 2

It's a clean-up the house and admin task day for Phil. He gets a lot done because he's trying to keep busy, to keep his mind off of worrying about Dan. 

There hasn't been a noise from the room all day and it's approaching 4 p.m. Previously, this is when Phil would panic. 

If a day isn't as bad, Dan usually emerges from their room, wrapped in the duvet and parks a spot in the lounge. But there are days he remains in bed. Phil will slip in with him at night to sleep, kiss his forehead goodnight and lay with worry beside him until he drifts off.

He hates to admit it, but those days are better than the ones when Dan gets out of bed, but is angry. Phil can always feel a shift in the air of their flat when Dan is mad. It's tense and electric. 

But today Phil hasn't felt that, so he's surprised when he cracks open their bedroom door that Dan is sitting up in bed. He notices the water from the glass is gone but Dan's just staring at the wall on the opposite side of the room. The television isn't on, he doesn't have a phone in his hand. He's just staring. 

"Hey," Phil does his best to keep his voice confident and non-wavering. This is new and strange and he's not sure of the best approach.

Dan doesn't move. He barely blinks. Phil isn't even sure he knows he's there. 

He's stood in the door frame and he feels as if he should move, but his feet won't budge. It takes at least a minute for him to put one foot in front of the other, and he makes his way to his side of the bed. He sits down lightly, on the edge. 

"Dan... babe..." Phil leans a little forward, hoping for some kind of reaction. He might even prefer angry over this. He knows angry. 

But there's still nothing and he's starting to get scared. What if something is more wrong than usual. What if this is past Phil's level of ability to deal with Dan's illness. That thought terrifies him. 

"Dan, please. Can you look at me?"

He sees Dan's finger twitch, but his eyes don't move from their spot on the wall. Phil can sense that touching him won't end well but all he wants to do is wrap him in a hug and not let go. 

He waits another few minutes and sighs in defeat. He doesn't know what he should do. This isn't a Dan he knows, he doesn't have years of experience to help this Dan. So he slowly gets up from the bed and walks around to Dan's side. 

"I'll get you more water," he grabs the glass and turns to leave the room. Before he gets up the stairs, he hears the door close and the lock on the handle click. 

It's a stab in Phil's chest. Dan's never locked him out. Phil's always had the ability to get to him if he needed. Panic is starting to fill his lungs. 

What does the locked door mean? What did Phil do that was so bad? Dan was sitting up in bed and was blank behind the eyes. What is going on with him? Will he snap out of it soon or is something going on? Is he having a stroke? What if he's actually stuck? What if the finger twitch was a signal from him? But no, he closed the door. Something is wrong. This isn't normal. This isn't his Dan. 

Phil's in the lounge, circling around the sofa. Trying to breathe deeper and form rational thoughts. There has to be an explanation for what's going on with Dan. Whatever he's doing, he doesn't want Phil there. But why not, what could he possible be thinking that it doesn't include him. Everything includes him. 

He doesn't know what else to do so he pulls open the balcony door in the kitchen. With shaking hands, he unlocks his phone and manages to find the mental health crisis number he's used only once before. 

"Hello, LifeLine, my name is Marnie."


	3. Chapter 3

"Hi, uhh. I think I need help with my -- with a friend -- he's not responding when I talk to him. But that's weird and I don't know what's going on and usually I do --" Phil's slightly aware he's not making sense but he can't stop talking. 

"Okay, let's take one step at a time. Can you tell me your name?"

"Phil." 

"Hi, Phil. So you're looking for help with a friend? Can you tell me your friend's name?"

"It's Dan. I don't know what's wrong with him but I'm scared," he doesn't think to change their names in the slight chance she makes the connection and recognizes his voice. 

"Are you scared Dan might do something to hurt himself or others?" She's kind but firm in her question. She needs to know if Dan's a danger to himself. Is he? 

"I don't know. He has depression, but we know that. But he's in therapy and has been doing really well. This isn't like normal bad days." 

"Okay, can you tell me what a normal bad day is like and why today is different?" 

Phil takes a deep breath in, he needs this woman's help and needs to form coherent sentences. 

"He's usually just in bed, or on the sofa. He says it always feels like nothing, but he almost always acknowledges my help but then he -- he kind of snapped at me this morning and now he won't talk. He's sitting up and staring at nothing," he feels like he's just describing an argument they've had and feels pathetic for calling. Maybe this has all been in Phil's head. 

"So on a normal bad day, he will talk to you a bit? Has anything else happened?" 

"Almost always, sometimes he can't say anything but today just feels different. He was just sitting on our bed staring at the wall and ignoring me. And then he just locked our door." 

"Has he done that in the past?"

"No, never." Phil can feel his voice breaking. 

"Has he ever snapped at you before on a bad day?" 

"A long time ago, he used to be angry on his bad days but that was before he was diagnosed, before therapy and medication," Phil's brought back to years ago. The time in Manchester was filled was so much youthful joy and the thrill of living together, but had a black cloud of Dan's un-diagnosed depression constantly hanging over them. Those times, Dan was angrier. 

Phil continues, "He was angry, but he was always moving. It was like he couldn't settle and his anger was just bubbling under the surface, ready to explode. That doesn't feel like today." 

"And do you know if Dan is still attending therapy and taking his medication?"

"He goes to therapy weekly and has been off of medication for two years. Do you think he needs medication again? I don't think we can go through that again, it was so hard," Phil sighs loudly, he's pacing back and forth on their patio. 

"Phil can I ask you to breathe in and out deeply a few times, I'm going to help you come up with a plan." 

He didn't realize his breathing had sped up and was becoming so loud. "Sorry, sorry." Phil closes his eyes and breathes in and out deeply a few times, remembering his breathing exercises from therapy. 

"It's alright. Take your time, it can be a big step to be there for a friend in need of help," she hasn't clued in yet that Dan is more than a friend. "Dan's lucky to have you care so much about him." 

"Sorry, I'm okay. I have anxiety, I worry about him a lot, I --" Phil almost admits to Dan being more than a friend, but he falters at the last second. 

"It's okay to worry about the people in our lives, if you would like to speak about your anxiety, we can do that as well," she sounds so understanding that the pressure in Phil's chest eases slightly. 

"Thank you."

Marnie seems to get that Phil doesn't need to talk further about himself. This is about Dan.

"So, Phil. Do you know what Dan usually does to help him through a bad day?" 

Phil closes his eyes, of course he knows. Dan's told him all of the details of what can help and what doesn't. But none of that feels relevant today. Today is different. 

"Umm, yah. I usually bring him water and food and try and get him to shower if I can. Sometimes he wants to be around me just doing normal everyday things, or playing video games. Sometimes he won't leave bed. Lately I've been able to get him out of the house for a walk around the park if he's doing okay." 

"Have you been able to try any of those things today?"

Phil feels defeated. Dan locked the door, how is he suppose to help now. "He drank the water I brought him, but when I told him I would bring him another, he locked the door behind me." 

"I'm glad he drank something, that's a good step. Do you think Dan would unlock the door if you asked him to?" even Marnie sounds skeptical. 

"I don't think so and I don't want to upset him more. He usually needs to be left alone. I left him alone all day, thinking it was a normal day, but maybe I made a mistake, maybe I should have checked on him earlier," his voice speeds up as the horrible what-ifs float through his head. 

"Phil, can you take a few deep breaths in and out for me again, please?"

His stupid brain won't shut up. He needs to get it together for Dan's sake. 

Marnie continues, "You've clearly been there for Dan in the past when he's had bad days and know a lot of his techniques for how to help. It seems he's been on a really good track lately with his therapy and coming off of medication. This may just be a different kind of bad day that we need to find new techniques for because you haven't encountered it yet." 

"Okay, okay. What do I do?"

"I think our first step is making sure Dan is safe, do you think you could try to get him to unlock the door or at least answer you?" 

Safe. Dan not being safe isn't an option, Phil will bust down that door himself if he has to. 

"I can try. What if he doesn't?"

"Phil if you feel that Dan is a harm to himself and you don't have a way into the room, you can call emergency services for assistance," 

That hits Phil like a tonne of bricks. Emergency services. This can't be an emergency, Phil can't even begin to think what that implies. 

"Oh." It's all Phil can say, everything else is stuck in his throat. 

"Is there another way you could get in the room if he doesn't respond? Do you have a key?" 

"I don't know where we put them when we moved in," Phil's kicking himself for not caring about interior door keys. He told Dan they weren't important but he bets Dan knows where they are in the case of an emergency. 

Phil's brain is back in overdrive except this time it's causing his feet to move. He's in the kitchen and then the lounge and walking down the stairs before he realizes that Marnie is on the other end calling his name. 

"Phil, hello?" 

He lowers his voice so Dan can't hear him, "Sorry, can you give me just a minute, I'll be right back," and vaguely hears her saying his name again before sliding his phone into his pocket. 

It's only a few short steps to their bedroom door and Phil takes a deep breath in. He tries the door handle and confirms that it's locked. 

He knocks, louder than he probably should have. 

"Dan, can you open the door please," he listens closely but hears nothing. He waits about a minute and knocks again. 

"Babe, please. Could you open the door, it's locked." 

His ear is pressed to the crack in the door, he thinks he hears something, maybe Dan shifting on the bed. 

Phil strains his ear, trying to wish for noise. He's reaching back into his pocket, about to ask Marie what to do now when he hears a rustle, maybe their bedding moving. But then back to silence. 

"Dan?" he knocks only twice, very lightly. "I need you to open the door or just answer me please. Please let me know you're okay," his voice is shaking and hopes Dan's even able to hear him. 

There's another noise on the other side of the door, but it's not getting closer and it's not Dan responding to him. 

"Baby, please. I need to know you're okay. If you aren't answering me, I need to call someone for help. I just want to check in. Please, babe," his voice is rushed and full of panic. There's no hiding how scared he sounds. 

He bangs at the door handle with his hand, willing himself to have superhuman strength to get the door open. He hears his name muffled in his pocket, but he ignores it for the moment. 

"Dan, please I'm begging you. Open the door for me. Please be okay," there's tears rolling down his face now although he's not sure when he started crying. 

The door flies open without warning. Phil falls forward slightly into Dan.


	4. Chapter 4

He looks up at Dan, through the tears that are drowning his face. 

All he sees is rage. Pure anger and hatred. He's seen Dan's face like this before but it's never been directed at Phil. 

"Dan..." his voice barely croaks. 

"What the fuck do you want?" he spits his words and towers over him. Phil shifts his body and moves back to sit against the wall. He's never wanted to be further away from Dan than in this moment. 

He doesn't know what to say, or if he can even form words. 

"I, I.. Dan I was just worried. You've never locked me out," he sounds small. Small and scared. 

Dan turns around and storms back into the bedroom. He grabs his coat and shoves his feet into the closest running shoes. Phil can't let him leave, he can't watch Dan walk out the door when he's in this mood, he doesn't know what will happen. He gets to his feet and moves to block the door of their flat. 

"Move," Dan won't look him in the eye, he's got his hand on the doorknob and is looking past Phil. 

"Please stay. I'm sorry, just please don't go," Phil is begging. 

Dan takes his hand off the door and takes a step back. He then makes eye contact with Phil, boring into his soul for what feels like an eternity. Phil hopes Dan can see the worry and love he's sending him. That's all he feels right now and he hopes Dan can somehow feel it too. 

But then it's broken, the voice in his pocket says his name again and the anger returns. 

"Who the fuck is that?"

"I was just on the phone, I must not have hung up." 

"You've always been a terrible liar, Phil. Who the hell is it?"

"It's no one, I promise," Phil reaches into his pocket to hang up the call but Dan is faster. He grabs the phone out of his hand and brings it to his ear. 

"Who is this?" Dan barks into the phone. 

Phil can't hear anything Marnie is saying, but he can tell she's talking by the expression on Dan's face. He's hurt. He's eyes are like lasers burning a hole into Phil. 

"I don't need your fucking help, I don't know why he called you, but I'm fine. Phil needs to learn to mind his own fucking business," Dan's voice is terrifyingly monotone. He hangs up and slams Phil's phone to the floor, he's sure it's now broken. 

Dan steps closer to Phil again. 

"Phil, move."

It takes everything in him, but Phil stands up a bit straighter and holds his ground, "I'm not moving Dan. Just stay here. I'll leave you alone if you just stay, please." It sounds more like begging than Phil had hoped, but he was at least able to speak. 

"I can't stay here with you. What are you planning to do, trying to lock me up? Who the fuck else are you going to call? The police? The psych ward? Just let me leave and then you won't have to bother getting rid of me." 

Phil almost tells Dan that he'll call whoever it takes to get him the help he needs. But he knows that will make him angrier. Dan isn't being rational, so Phil has to do it for the both of them. 

"Dan of course not. I just want you to stay, but you wouldn't talk to me. I got scared you were going to hurt yourself and I didn't know what to do. I needed help."

It was the wrong thing to say, he can tell by the look on Dan's face before he even speaks. 

"What, don't want to have to clean up my dead body?" 

He knows Dan isn't himself and he would never say that in a sane mind, but it hurts just as much. 

"Dan, don't..." Phil's voice breaks but he doesn't have any other thoughts to finish the sentence anyways. 

Dan takes advantage of Phil's shock and shoves past him and opens the door. It doesn't take him much effort to move past Phil and slam the door behind him. 

Phil could chase him. He should run after him, tackle him to the ground and force him not to leave, but that would cause a scene, and would infuriate Dan even more. 

So Phil stands on the inside of the flat door and can't move until the buzzer from downstairs sounds. He has no idea how long he's been there. 

He reaches up to answer, hopeful it's Dan without a key needing back inside.

"Hello?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Good evening, sir. I have two police officers in the lobby looking to come up and speak with you and Mr. Howell?" It's Charles, the man who works the front desk of their building. 

"Oh," is all Phil can reply. He can't process why the police are here. 

Charles continues, "Am I good to send them up sir, or would you be coming down?" 

Phil's not going downstairs. That's the last thing he needs tonight, for a viewer to just happen past when he's talking with two police officers in his pj's.

"Send them up, thank you." Phil hangs up the phone and is stunned into silence, unable to move from his spot. He should really go and change out of his ninja turtle pj pants and check the state of his face and hair. He's sure to look like a mess after the turmoil of the last few hours. 

Has it been hours? It feels like he's had this stress for days. He looks at the clock for the first time since he noticed it was 4 p.m. It's just past 7. He's not sure where the last three hours have gone and he instantly feels like crying again. 

He hears the officers outside of the door before they knock, clunky boots and hushed voices. He forces himself to take five deep breaths before he opens it, calming down as much as possible. 

"Good evening, Mr. Lester I assume?" the taller officer has a friendly smile on his face. 

"Uh, yes. That's me. Please come in," Phil takes a step back and pulls the door wide enough for them to enter. Phil leads them up the stairs to the lounge and they all sit on the sofa. 

"Mr. Lester, we --"

"Sorry, can you just call me Phil?" he interrupts. Mr. Lester sounds too formal, he doesn't want this to be a formal visit. 

The blonde, shorter officer smiles at him sympathetically like he has any clue what Phil has been through in the past few hours. 

"Of course, Phil. We were contacted by Lifeline. You called them earlier tonight, correct?"

"Yes." 

"You were concerned for your friend, Mr. Howell? Daniel?" 

"Yes." Phil's not sure what else he's suppose to say. There's a lot to say, but sharing it feels exhausting and pointless. 

"The counsellor from Lifeline was concerned for Daniel's well-being and possibly yours after the conversation, so she called us to conduct a wellness check."

"Oh, I'm okay," he answers in almost a question. Realizing after he has said it, how unconvincing he sounds. 

The officers share a quick look between them. It reminds him of how much a look between him and Dan can say. He wonders what they just said about him. Probably discussing how pathetic he is, how it's clearly just a fight between roommates and there's no need for them to get involved in, or how little effort Phil put in for people coming into his flat. 

"Phil, where's Daniel?" 

"He left. He went for a walk," Phil feels almost defensive for Dan, like he should be protecting him from the officers. 

"Okay, do you know when he will be back? Has he contacted you since he left?"

Phil shakes his head. "I don't know when, sometimes he'll walk all night. And no, he hasn't. But my phone is broken." 

"Your phone is broken? Did you call Lifeline on that phone?" The eyebrow of the taller officer lifts in question. Almost accusatory. 

"I did. It fell on the floor, I'm sure it's broken." 

"You haven't checked?" the blonde officer looks confused as to why someone wouldn't have checked immediately, but Phil just doesn't care. Phil shakes his head. 

"Could we maybe check and then see if Daniel's contacted you?" 

Phil just stands up and moves towards the stairs, realizing the taller officer is following him at a distance. 

"It's just at the bottom of the stairs, I'll be right back." 

He picks up the phone and braces for the worst as he turns it over. It doesn't look completely shattered, just a couple of bad cracks. It should still work. 

Phil presses the home button as he makes his way back up the stairs and his home screen comes to life. 

There’s a few notifications from social media and news apps, but no texts or calls from anyone. He hands his phone to the officer waiting at the top of the stairs. 

“Here. Nothing from Dan.” 

Phil makes his way back over to the couch. 

“Have you tried to call him?”

Phil shakes his head, “He does this sometimes when his mental health isn’t great, he always leaves his phone here.” 

"Has today been like the other days when Daniel has done this?"

"No. Not at all, he was really distant and weird and he got angry." Phil lowers his head, looking at his hands. He feels embarrassed. He can't believe there's currently police officers in his home questioning him on Dan's whereabouts. 

"Did he hurt you at all?"

That makes Phil's head pop up, "No, no. It was nothing like that, Dan wouldn't hurt me."

There's another shared look between the officers, Phil's uncomfortable. They're probably assuming he and Dan are roommates and it's weird that he's so put out over Dan's weird behaviour. He should tell them, Dan's his partner. He should. But he just can't. What if they know him, what if they're homophobic. 

"Okay. Do you think Daniel's a danger to himself or others, Phil?"

"He wouldn't hurt anyone else but he was strange today, I don't know if he would do anything. Yesterday, I would have said no. He has depression but is in therapy and has been doing well for years now." 

"Is he on any medication, or does he drink or take any other drugs at all?"

Phil shakes his head, "He hasn't needed medication in years, he's worked really hard to get off of it. He drinks on occasion and a bit of weed here and there, but nothing concerning. We had a glass of wine last night, but that was it." 

"And it's just you two who live here? Is he here full time?" 

"Yes." 

"No strange behaviour leading up to this?"

"No, the last few months has been great. He's only had one or two off days. It was just today when I got back this morning, he was acting strange."

Phil sighs heavily. His head hurts and he's exhausted. 

"Where did you go this morning, did anything happen between the two of you when you got back?"

"I just went for a run, like most mornings. He was asleep when I left and when got back he was awake but seemed to be in a bad mood, so I left him to sleep. Nothing happened then, he made me jump because he was awake in the dark but didn't say anything to me. I checked in around 4 and he was just sitting in bed staring at the wall. He wouldn't respond and then he locked me out of the bedroom. I got scared and that's when I called Lifeline because I didn't know what to do." 

The officers shared another loaded look. It hurt Phil every time they did this, reminding him too much of Dan. 

"The Lifeline counsellor told us she overheard what sounded like an argument. What was that about?"

Phil's realizing that's why Marnie had called. Phil's pleading and Dan's concerning conversation with her. It probably sounded horrible from her end. 

"I was trying to get him to open the door to make sure he was alright and safe, he got really angry and I was begging him not to leave. When he heard Marnie on the phone, he stormed out."

"Could you try to call him to make sure he doesn't have his phone, or go see if his phone's here?"

Phil nods, "I'll go grab it from downstairs." 

His feet feel as heavy as lead. He desperately wants to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow, and everything be okay. 

Dan's phone is exactly where he expected, Phil removes it from the charger and heads back upstairs, passing it to the officer. 

The officer scans the home screen. "Whose Martyn?"

"My brother. He was looking for Dan to sign some papers this morning. I spoke with him earlier, he knows about Dan's depression, he knew it was a bad day."

The officer nods slowly, continuing to look at the notifications. "Have you also spoke with someone called Bry?"

Phil shakes his head, "No, I haven't." 

"There's three messages from them. Could that be someone concerned about him as well?"

"That's our friend, I'm not sure what she would be looking for. I haven't spoken with her today." 

"Does he have anywhere you think he would go? A friend's, family member's, a girlfriend?" 

There's the dreaded question Phil's been waiting for. 

"He usually doesn't visit people in these moods. His family doesn't live nearby, there's a slim chance he would have gone to Bryony's but I doubt it, and uh -- no girlfriend. He -- Dan's my -- he's my partner." Phil holds his breath and waits for their response.


	6. Chapter 6

Phil's been out for years in safe environments, but forced situations are still terrifying. 

The blonde officer's face softens with the realization. He doesn't look taken aback, he looks understanding if anything. The expression on the taller, dark officer's face doesn't change but he opens his mouth to speak. Phil feels like he can’t breathe. 

"I'm sorry, we didn't realize."

Oh. Phil shakes his head, "It's okay, I hadn't mentioned it."

"Phil, do you think Dan's going to come home tonight?" The taller officer is leaning more forward than he previously was. They both look more sympathetic now that they know about Dan and Phil's relationship. He didn't expect that. 

Phil feels himself breaking apart now that he doesn't feel so defensive. 

His head drops into his hands and he closes his eyes, focusing on his breathing. The last thing he wants to do right now is have an anxiety attack. 

"I don't know," he mutters. "He always has before, even if it's really late or the next morning. Sometimes it takes a while for him to clear his head."

They both seem to nod and with another knowing glance, Phil can sense some finality in their visit.

"Well, Phil. Since this has happened before, and there's never been any harm done, we can't consider Dan missing just yet. I'm sure..."

"--he's not missing! He does this. I'm sorry, is that why you're here, because he might be considered missing?" Phil begins to panic. Dan's face being broadcast by every news site and social media account flashes into his brain. "Please, he'll come home. He always does. I'm just worried because he seemed so strange and angry, that's why I called. I didn't mean to get you involved, I've never called you before." 

The blonde officer moves over to sit closer to Phil, "This was just to check in, Phil. If this is a pattern, we hope that Dan is fine. I'd suggest calling friends or family members to see if he's shown up. If he hasn't come home by this time tomorrow night, call us. We're back on duty then."

He hands Phil a business card for Paul Whittington. Did they introduce themselves earlier? Phil can't even remember. 

"And if you need anything in the meantime for yourself, don't hesitate to call back Lifeline. They're a great resource." 

\--

After he lets the officers out of the flat, he goes into their bedroom and sits on Dan's side of the bed. He holds his pillow tight, like it's Dan himself. 

He feels like he needs to cry, but no tears are coming out. He feels lost. Unsure of what to do. 

The officers suggested he should call someone to come over, to be with him while he waits. That would be the smart thing to do, but Phil's brain isn't full of smart ideas right now. 

Dan's phone buzzes in his pocket. 

It's Bryony again. He can't see the messages because Dan doesn't like previews showing on his phone. He should check what it says but he's scared Dan will come back and be furious he looked at his messages. 

The reminder buzzes again and Phil can't help himself, he unlocks Dan's phone. 

11:03 a.m. You want to still grab lunch today?

12:34 p.m. No? Fine.. I'll do tea all by myself. 

3:50 p.m. Daniel..are you doing okay today? Pls send me a sign of life. 

8:09 p.m. Love you. <3

He reads the messages a few times over. He should call her, she knows something is going on with him at bare minimum. 

His finger hovers over the call button but he can't make himself do it. What would he even say. Could he even admit that he can't be alone to Bryony?

Phil scrolls through the other messages and lands on Martyn's. The one from the morning was all about business but there was a second one he didn't know about. Sent after Phil had told him it was a bad day. 

1:14 p.m. Phil's there if you need him. We're here if you need us. You're kick ass and we love you.

Tears fall from his eyes without warning. He knows his brother and Dan had a good relationship, but this wasn't something he expected. He scrolls up in their message history, aware he's snooping and shouldn't be doing this, but he needs some connection to Dan right now. 

He reads a conversation from only a few days ago.

M: I like #2, Corn likes #4  
D: u guys are no help. those were my top 2  
M: then you're in the clear and whatever you choose, Phil's going to love. You know him best  
D: mushy. gross.  
M: I can't believe you've booked this whole thing without him finding out, he's so nosy  
D: the guy didn't notice i blocked out two weeks in our calendar two months ago, the rest was easy  
M: I want full details once you've told him.   
M: And credit for the help with hiding this thing.

Hiding what thing? Two weeks in their calendar is blocked? Phil was looking at it yesterday to book meetings, how did he not notice? What were they talking about? 

He scrolls up further and finds a bunch of links from Dan to Martyn. They're all links to hotels. In Japan. Dan was planning a trip for them? Why wouldn't he just tell Phil? They've been discussing going back to Japan for more than a year. 

It gives Phil the smallest amount of reassurance that Dan’s been doing okay. He wouldn’t have been planning something like this if his head had been elsewhere. 

“What happened to you, today?” Phil wonders into the silence of their flat. 

His head hurts and he's desperate for his Dan to come back. He hits the call button beside Martyn's name. 

"Daniel, how are you doing?" 

Oh right, this is Dan's phone. 

"Hi Mar, it's me actually. Are you free?" Phil hears his own voice as he speaks. It sounds broken and pathetic.

"Phil, what's going on? Do you need me?" He knows something's wrong. He knows about Dan's walks but Phil's never called him during one. He knows it's a bad day. Phil feels like he knows everything just from the sound of his voice. 

"Yes, please. Can you come?" 

"I'll be there in 20."


	7. Chapter 7

The doorbell rings in 15 minutes. Phil hasn't moved but he did lock Dan's phone again and put it back in his pocket. 

He stumbles out of bed and answers the door to his distraught looking brother. Martyn engulfs him in a bear hug and pushes them both back into the flat, closing the door with his foot. 

"What's going on?" he mumbles into Phil's shoulder.

It's then Phil realizes he's still crying. His face feels wet pushed into Marytn's coat but he doesn't care and doesn't want to let go. He needs the comfort. 

"It's Dan." Obviously. That's all Phil can get out before the sobs are racking through his body. 

Martyn somehow manages to get him up the stairs and onto the sofa. He's drank a full glass of water and ate half a banana before Martyn asks again. 

"Phil, what's happened with Dan?" 

The look on his brother's face is deep with concern. He knows nothing, that's not fair. His head must be flying in a million directions. Phil took a deep breath and recounted the day's events to the best of his ability. 

"So how long has he been gone now?" 

Phil checks the time on the clock, it's almost 9:30. "I think about five hours."

The shock on Martyn's face isn't covered very well. "Do you know how long he usually leaves for?" 

Phil shakes his head, "It's always different." 

"And you have no idea why he seemed to wake up different today?"

"Nope."

"Okay, well I'm here until he gets back then." He pats Phil's leg and stands up. "I'm just going to call Corn, she'll be worried."

"Yah, of course. Thanks."

Martyn smiles at him as he pulls his phone from his pocket and moves towards the balcony. 

At some point, Phil must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knows, he's waking up with a duvet covering his body and the lounge is now completely black. He's not wearing his glasses but he squints hard enough and finds them on the coffee table. Martyn's across the room, folded uncomfortably in the chair but looks to be fully asleep. 

The clock reads 4:05. Dan's been gone for almost 12 hours, he's hit hard again with all of the stress and pain from the day. 

He moves from under the duvet and begins to shuffle to the toilet. That's when he hears the knock. 

It's so quiet, he's not even sure it was real. Phil moves towards the top of the stairs, was it coming from their door? 

Making his way quietly down the stairs, so he doesn't wake Martyn, Phil hears the knock again. It has to be Dan. No one else would be knocking on their door at four in the morning. 

Unless it was the police, again. The blood drains out of Phil's body and he rushes down the remaining stairs. 

He unlocks and pulls the door open as fast as possible, fumbling with the lock. 

It's Dan. It's his Dan. In one piece and okay. His face looks cold and distant, but he's here. 

"Dan..." Phil lunges towards him and pulls him into a hug in the hallway. 

He can feel Dan shaking and then realizes he's crying. His grip on Phil is so tight, if he wasn't so relieved he's sure he would be concerned about his breathing. For now, he just hugs back even tighter. 

Dan's mumbling into his neck through tears, "I'm sorry" over and over again. 

All Phil can do is shush him. They eventually move inside the flat and Dan takes off his coat and shoes before he collapses onto the bed. He's sitting on the edge and staring at the floor, while Phil once again is finding it hard to move from the door frame. 

When Dan finally looks up at him, his feet become unchained and he moves towards the bed. He stands in front of him, and Dan reaches up and interlocks their hands. 

Phil speaks first, "You really scared me." 

He can see the tears welling up in Dan's eyes again. "I'm so sorry Phil, I don't know what happened today." 

"You've never locked me out before, I thought you were going to hurt yourself. I thought I was going to lose you." Phil's voice shakes, but he knows he needs to get it out, he needs to made Dan understand how scared he was. 

The tears fall from Dan's eyes. "I'm here. I'm sorry." The words are choked out. He pulls Phil in at his waist and clings to him tightly. 

"I don't know why I was so angry, it felt like it usually does until it just didn't anymore. I lost all control and thought I was going to explode. I'm sorry I left like that."

"I'm just glad you're here and okay. Can we go to sleep, please? I'm so tired. Just be here when I wake up."

He feels Dan nod against his stomach. "I will." 

It doesn't take long for Dan to fall asleep, Phil makes sure he's out before he lets himself drift off. They both need the rest.


	8. Chapter 8

Phil wakes to the smell of coffee. It shakes him out of his deep sleep so quickly, it takes him a few minutes to remember what happened before he fell asleep. He grabs his glasses from the nightstand and rolls over, but the bed is empty. 

He shoots out of bed immediately and yells Dan's name as he runs out of the room. His shoes and coat are still on the floor where they were last night. 

"Dan!" he yells again as he starts up the stairs. 

He hears a rush of footsteps and Martyn appears at the top of the stairs. Phil's heart drops to his stomach. 

"Where is he?" 

"Phil, Phil, he's fine." Martyn grabs his arm and pulls him into a hug. "He's just showering, he's okay, breathe." 

Martyn pulls back and looks his brother directly in the eyes, "Breathe, he's okay." 

Following his directions, he breathes deeply. 

"Oh, sorry," he feels foolish for jumping to conclusions so quickly. 

"It's fine, Phil. He was trying to get in a shower quickly before you woke up. I've got coffee on, go sit, I'll bring you one."

He nods and walks to the sofa. A million questions are rolling around in his head. He's still so scared that yesterday's Dan will come back, that he'll lose his Dan again. 

Not long after, he hears Dan coming out of the bathroom. He must realize Phil's out of bed because he bounds up the stairs quickly and rushes to his side. 

"Sorry, needed a shower." 

Phil tries to manage a smile, "It's okay. You're okay." 

Dan nods slowly. "I called Dr. Wright. We have an appointment with her at 3:30. I figured you would need it as much as me." 

"Thank you," he nods and can hear Martyn coming from the kitchen. 

"Well boys, if you don't need anything else, I'm going to head home. Call me if you need me though, alright? Anytime, for whatever. Both of you." He moved over to Dan and pulls him up into a hug.

"I'm glad you're okay." 

Phil admires the sight of the two most important men in his life, he got lucky. 

"Thank you for being here," Dan looks Martyn in the eyes. Phil can tell he's embarrassed but grateful. 

Phil stands to hug his brother, "Thank you, I love you." 

"No matter what, okay?"

Phil nods. 

\-- 

It takes almost two hours for Phil to explain yesterday from his perspective because Dan keeps apologizing and they both keep breaking down in tears. Dan cries for 20 minutes when Phil discusses the police visit, he's torn apart that he put Phil through so much in one night. 

Their therapy session is emotionally heavy and difficult and they order Domino's in the car on the way home. 

Dr. Wright asked Dan if he felt medication might be a help again, and Phil held his breath waiting for him to answer. He said no. Finding the right combination of medication years ago was a journey he never wants Dan to go through again, if possible.

They did however agree to a weekly session together for the next month to make sure they are communicating through their pain and trauma. 

That night, while tangled together in bed, Dan squeezes Phil's middle tight and breathes in deeply. 

"Thank you for never giving up on me, I've given you every reason to," his voice is small. 

"Never would, I kind of like you a bit," he kisses the top of Dan's head. 

Dan takes a minute to respond and his voice sounds serious. "I love you. I'm so sorry that I hurt you, that's always the last thing I'm trying to do. Even when I feel out of control, something is telling me to protect you -- even if I'm trying to protect you from me." 

Phil knows that. Dan has stormed out of the house numerous times, mumbling words of how Phil is better off without him. His clear brain would never tell him that, because he now knows and believes how Phil feels. But it's never a bad thing to hear it. 

"I know, that Dan needs to learn you're the most important thing to me still. He's stubborn."

Dan lifts his head and turns to look at Phil, a slight smile on his face. 

"That Dan?" 

"Yah, the one that's not completely you. This one is you, the other one is a little bit evil. He needs to learn about us still." 

Dan kisses him lightly, "He's trying, I promise." 

"Good."

It takes Phil hours but eventually he falls asleep with his arms wrapped tightly around Dan.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s been three days of video games, too much food, more tears and a fair share of lazy blow jobs. 

Phil’s taken on the bulk of the emails and phone calls without question. They’re getting back to their normal. 

They both silently agreed to a late start this morning so Phil’s still half asleep curled in next to Dan. 

About 20 minutes ago, Dan gave up on sleep but grabbed his phone off his nightstand and has been scrolling through a variety of apps. Phil’s been glancing once in a while when Dan deems it necessary to show him a funny tweet. 

His eyes are closed when he hears the phone vibrate with the buzz of a call. That’s weird, no one calls them before noon unless it’s scheduled. They know they won’t answer. 

Dan all but throws Phil off of him with a rushed apology about needing to answer this and runs out of their room. All he can hear is a hello before Dan’s up the stairs, bounding up two steps at a time, and out of earshot. 

He doesn’t want to be nosy but he can’t remember the last time Dan took a phone call out of the room, it’s probably been years. 

After too many minutes of a back and forth fight in his head, Phil resigns trying to overhearing and forces himself back onto his pillow.

But Dan doesn’t come back downstairs after 15 minutes and Phil can’t decide what to do. He glances at his phone, it’s 10:20, that’s late enough. 

Forcing himself into the bathroom as he normally would before going up the stairs, he listens closely for signs of Dan upstairs. 

He hears nothing. 

Trying to calm the panic that’s starting to boils in his chest, he stares at himself in the mirror and watches his chest rise and fall with each breath. He’s just paranoid because of the other day. It’s fine. Dan’s fine. It was just a call. Dan’s probably just making breakfast and coffee. 

Except he isn’t. 

There’s still silence as he heads upstairs. 

He forcefully chokes down a bubble of panic. 

“Dan?” He tries to hide the worry in his voice. 

Silence. 

Phil knows he hasn’t left, the door didn’t open. 

He whips around so quickly he almost misses him. 

Dan’s tucked around the corner, sat at his computer, headphones on. 

He’s here. He seems safe. But why the headphones, why didn’t he come back to bed after that call? What could have happened on the phone? 

Unsure what to do, he forces himself into the kitchen and puts coffee on. He’s grabbing bowls for cereal when he hears Dan. 

“Shit. Fuck.” It's mumbled and normally wouldn't be concerning, but considering the circumstances, Phil panics. 

He runs to Dan. 

He can’t help it. 

“Jesus Phil!” The shock on his face enough to made Phil step back. He shouldn’t have run over. Trying to help is what set him off the other day. Why couldn’t he just leave him be? 

But then Dan’s face goes bright red and Phil notices he minimizes the windows he had open. 

A small smile crosses his face. A smile should be good, why doesn't it feel good? 

“Babe, you made me jump. I didn’t realize you were upstairs,” the smile on his face grows. 

“What are you doing? You were swearing,” Phil’s not smiling. He’s confused and worried and just wants this horrible feeling in his chest to go away. 

A glimpse of panic shoots behind Dan's eyes. He corrects it quickly, but Phil still notices. 

"Oh, I was just looking at some emails I forgot to respond to when everything..." he trails off. "You know." His hands wave around in front of him and shuts his screen off while getting out of his chair. Phil notices he doesn't even put the computer to sleep, Dan always puts his computer to sleep when he's done. 

"Okay," he can't force himself to press the subject further. 

Dan walks past him, puts his hand on his hip and quickly stops to press a kiss to his forehead. "Coffee?" 

"It's started. Was about to get some cereal." 

"Great." 

He's being weird and Phil hates it. He's too chipper for being pulled out of bed by a phone call. Dan doesn't say 'great' before noon. 

Phil feels like he's walking on eggshells just ready for the beast inside of Dan to reappear.


	10. Chapter 10

Phil's still on edge, but it's been almost a week since the 'incident' and Dan's back to his normal. 

Now he just needs to calm his worries. 

He talks to his therapist about it, who encourages him to talk to Dan about the phone call. Dan doesn't have a history of trying to hide things from him, so Phil should just ask to calm the storm that's brewing in his head.

And he tried. Once. But he chickened out. He's too scared of sending them back into that place. 

They're out for a run. It's only 7:30 a.m. Phil was shocked that Dan suggested it the night before. 

\--

"You haven't been for a run in a while," Dan was staring down at his bowl full of noodles. 

A while. He means since, he just won't say it. 

Phil shrugs and makes a nondescript noise. 

"Lets set the alarm for 7 then. I feel like a slug, I need to move." He's making it about him, but Phil knows better. Running has helped Phil's brain settle and Dan's trying to help. Not suggesting he go for a run by himself, to come back and find Dan in a similar state. 

He can't help the fond smile that stretches across his face, so he glances down at his own bowl. 

"Okay." 

\--

Phil could tell it physically hurt Dan to get out of bed at that hour. But 15 minutes into their run, he's starting to look more awake. Less like the zombie that had rolled out of bed and didn't say a word while he got dressed. 

They pop into the coffee shop a few blocks from their flat to get caffeine and food. It's a nice morning so they stop at the small park just down the street and find their bench. It's secluded from the main road but close to the water feature. They've never seen anyone else sitting here, so they've claimed it as their own over the last couple of years. Phil thinks he'll miss this spot once they've moved. It's become their own little sanctuary. 

Dan's been silent the entire time. Phil can tell his mind is elsewhere and so out of habit, he asks. He hasn't been brave enough to do that in a week. 

"What're you thinking about?" 

It surprises Dan, but he still turns and smiles at him. 

His eyes are happy. They narrow slightly towards Phil. 

"You." 

Phil rolls his eyes. It's a gut reaction.

"I'm serious," Dan turns his body towards him, puts his leg up on the bench, folded into Phil's side. 

He continues, "Thinking about how perfect you've been these last few days. How much I've put you through the last decade of our life." Dan exaggerates decade like it's a century. Maybe it's the age difference, but Phil's accepted ten years together in stride while Dan just can't believe it's happened. 

"Dan..." Phil can't handle the emotion. He doesn't want to go there while in public. 

"No, shush. Listen. Please." 

Phil dramatically shuts his mouth and raises his eyebrows as if to continue. Dan's not big on emotions in public either, so this can't be that bad. 

"You've been everything to me, through all of it. Before this past week even happened, I was thinking a lot about us. About you." 

What is he doing? He can feel his eyebrows furrowing together. 

"Once my coming out video was up, I couldn't stop thinking about just doing something for you. You've stuck painlessly by my side throughout all of it. I just wanted to thank you." 

"Dan? What're you--"

Dan's hand covers Phil's mouth like a child to stop him from speaking. 

"We leave on Saturday. We're going back to Japan. I wanted it to be this big romantic and thoughtful reveal, but after this week...." 

Oh, right. Japan. Phil had completely forgotten about the texts with Martyn. That explains the mysterious phone calls and computer behaviour. 

Dan's face drops. He's taken too long to respond. 

"Phil, it's all done. I've been stressing about keeping this a secret for months. Your brother and Corn have helped a lot. I did everything. You don't have to lift a finger."

He's worried that Phil's going to go into Travel Phil mode. He booked an entire vacation without him because Travel Phil is such a nightmare. 

Phil can't help the laugh that comes out. 

"Phil..." Dan looks incredibly confused. 

"Sorry, sorry. Dan I completely forgot, I know about Japan. I mean, I didn't know everything, but I did find out." 

"What! How? When?" he's flustered and mortified. It's cute. 

"I kind of checked your phone while you were walking that day. I saw texts from Martyn about hotels and our calendars being blocked out," he feels so guilty that he just ruined Dan's big surprise. 

"You nosy little bastard," 

Phil covers his face. "I'm sorry! I'm still excited! I can't wait to go."

Then it hits them. 

Should they go?

Can Dan handle two weeks in another country without his therapy and the safe space of their flat?

"Wait, Dan. We can't just--"

"No, no. I know you're going to be concerned about me going but I've talked to my therapist and I'm going to call into our sessions, and she gave me a good 24 hour line to call if I just need to talk and her office is closed. I'm going to be okay, I promise." 

He doesn't know. It sounds risky, it sounds dangerous. 

"Why don't we just go another time. Once we've had some time to recover?" 

Dan's head drops. The look of defeat on his face pains Phil, but he can't help but worry. He wants to desperately say yes and get the happy back into Dan's eyes. 

"I'm scared," he admits. His voice barely above a whisper. 

Dan glances back at him and grabs his hand. Phil has a moment of panic about being in public, but they hardly are on this hidden bench and they're out now. Would it be the worst thing in the world for someone to see? 

"I'm so sorry I scared you and I will never stop apologizing for this. But babe, we can't just live life waiting for it to happen again. I've been good for such a long time now and I'm back. This is me."

His eyes are pleading. There's a giant lump in Phil's throat. He's not sure he could talk even if he knew what to say. 

"I can call the therapy line everyday just to make sure I'm in the right head space if that's what you need. Just tell me what I need to do to convince you I'm okay."

Phil drops his head to Dan's shoulder and tries to get his breathing under control. 

"Okay," he says muffled into Dan's shirt. 

"Okay, what?"

Phil sits up, he looks into Dan's eyes and moves closer as he puts his free hand around the back of Dan's head. 

"Okay, we're going to Japan. Okay, I'm going to be scared because I'm not over it yet. Okay, you might need to call just to calm my nerves a bit." 

The smile on Dan's face is worth it. It smothers the panic just a bit. Maybe if he just stares at Dan's face for two weeks, he will be okay too. 

"I love you," Dan gives him a very soft and quick kiss. 

Phil smiles back at him and then separates from him slightly, they're pushing their luck. 

"I can't believe you did this without me."

"I can't believe you found out," Dan laughs and shakes his head as he stands up from the bench. 

He reaches out for Phil's hand again. 

"C'mon, let's go home. We have packing to do."


End file.
